


Anguish and Forgiveness

by knutaxi



Category: Shin Sangokumusou | Dynasty Warriors
Genre: Angst, Angst & Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drama, Drama & Romance, F/M, Historical Fantasy, Kissing/Hugging, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-06-15 00:08:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15400614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knutaxi/pseuds/knutaxi
Summary: The incredibly bitter and horrible truth wasn’t even enough to make Feng Xiu leave Cao Cao’s army and yet she isolates herself completely. What’s keeping her there? Who's keeping her there? It's only a matter of time until someone finally pays a visit to set things the right way once again. [Xiu was previously from Wei and defects to Shu later on; this is an AU where she never defected at all.]





	Anguish and Forgiveness

**Author's Note:**

> Reminder that Feng Xiu is my OC. She's not a canon character and not based on anyone historical. Also, look at the title; I came up with it on a whim and it sucks xD Also, I know there are mistakes and some of the lines sound strange, but bare with them. This was written in less than a week.

The sound of cicadas chirp their monotone-like tune; a warm zephyr brushing the short grass below and the leaves of the trees around, briefly allowing them to sway without a care. An eerie yet beautiful night with stars dotted infinitely across the blackened sky with the biggest of all- the moon, in position to shine its gentle light; it was peaceful and ever so relaxing. If only everyone was able to enjoy it…

A red haired woman laid upon her bed with her cyan blue eyes to the ceiling. She was dressed in a plain white robe, ready for sleep it seemed, but it had yet to come. Sleep was hard to come by these days for her. This woman was Feng Xiu, and she hasn’t been herself for many months…

The poor female had been serving under Cao Cao for several years, only to find out a heavily bitter and unfortunate truth. Last year, she heard of rumors that Liu Bei had been spotted near land that neighbored Luoyang; Feng Xiu’s mortal enemy for years, or so it seemed. It took time, but when she found him, she had immediately attacked and drove Zhao Yun, Liu Bei’s loyal subordinate, into a fight in place of his leader. Though defeated, she continued to show malice and spat at the benevolent man for the death of her village- her beloved and only home. Somehow, in a very strange twist, Xiu had listened as Liu Bei began to speak to her a calm yet firm tone. He had held eye contact, his dark hazel brown eyes staring into hers; he knew she was angry- livid even. Something about his eyes…it made her want to listen without much of a fuss. He was honest and truthful when he told her he had nothing to do with the massacre of her village and feared she was made a fool of by Cao Cao by tangling herself in a web of lies. Never in her life had she felt so confused and so…so shocked.

Upon bidding Feng Xiu farewell, Liu Bei hoped to see her again on the better side and left with Zhao Yun, leaving the confused young woman to her spiraling thoughts.

She had approached Cao Cao later on when he was planning on sending troops to find her after being considered missing for hours. She bluntly revealed to him what Liu Bei told her, wondering if it was absolutely true. Her heart wanted to say it wasn’t and so did her mind, but sadly it wasn’t the case. Cao Cao, knowing it was no use to hide it no longer as she was no longer the dumb little girl she had been, confirmed the truth and gave his reasoning.

Never in Xiu’s live has she ever felt so stupid, so angry, so…betrayed… All those feelings and emotions ran through her skull. All the horrible thoughts of Liu Bei were being replaced with Cao Cao. To think she looked up to him, trained under plenty of his generals, made friends with his soldiers; she even married one of his best officers! She lashed out, caused a scene, threatened to kill, broke off her own marriage like it was nothing, and so much more. She did it all except kill anyone and go on her way…

-.-.-.-.-

It’s been six months now. Six months in this hell-forsaken place, filled with no one but murderers and liars… Feng Xiu had been so mad and so broken- how can someone live better with a heavy weight on their heart and soul? She only continued to feel like a completely blind idiot…  
She went as far as to retrieve a house outside of Luoyang’s city walls. Her lonely home was settled nearby yet on the other side of the thin moat that stretched around the city. She didn’t dare want to look anyone, especially HIM. How could HE lie to her too? A tear formed in her eye, and it wasn’t long until more followed it; crying these tears of bitterness and distrust became common for while she was alone like this.

As she was about to stand up and go blow out the candle that flickered its little flame to keep her little house lit, she heard a surprising sound: a knock at the door. Her head turned towards the closed double doors, eyes widening with already furrowing brows. Before going to answer the door, she had to take a peek at who it was. Quietly yet a bit quickly, she sauntered to the window and lifts the thin curtain just a tad to peek outside. HIM… She felt her heart drop and irritation already rising as she dries her eyes with a sleeve. Feng Xiu moves to the doors and slowly opens both, only to find the man’s hand raised as if to knock once more but he was too late.

“Feng Xiu…,” his tone was like a semi soft whisper while lowering his hand. His gaze was longing, looking at least a little hopeful since she opened the door to him.

“…Yue Jin.” Xiu’s voice was low and monotone. The look in her eyes were giving off warning signs that she wasn’t in the mood to see him. Yue Jin wasn’t intimidated.

“U-Uh…I…was wondering if you were awake or not, and I just…w-wanted to see you.” His tone may have been a showing signs of stutter, but he had to stay confident. All he wanted to do was talk with her…even if for a couple minutes.

It hadn’t been caught on by the young female unfortunately. “Go away.” She snarled and tried to close the door on him, but like the swift forerunner he was, he flings his head up and hands reached out to grab the doors. His muscles, though unseen, rippled for a moment underneath the sleeves of the blue hanfu he wore, as he kept a good hold on the edges of the doors. There was a painful look in his brown eyes as he stared at his wife on the other side. "!!- Let GO!“ She snapped.

"Xiu, please! It’s been six months and I haven’t gotten a single word from you!”

“Why should I say anything?! You knew all this time and you never even told me!!” She snapped once more, already using all her strength to try and close the doors, but Yue Jin stood and held them in place so no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t. He couldn’t admit it at this moment, but she’s definitely gotten a bit stronger over the course of these tense, lonesome months.

“It’s been said and done now…,” he spoke lowly. “Please just let me in!”

“NO!!!” She growls and pushes to the limit, struggling to close the door completely.

“I gave you time, and I gave you space, but you never speak to me, let alone look at me anymore!” He was starting to push back on his spot; she’s gotten tougher.

“WHY SHOULD I?! I DON’T WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU!” Xiu yelled briefly as she rams her shoulder against one of the doors, pushing more and more until– ‘SLAM!’ The doors were shut and Xiu immediately went and reached for the board nearby to keep it from being opened again.  
“JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!”

Yue Jin had moved his fingers out in time when she succeeded in closing the double doors and takes a step back, clenching his fists. “I was only trying to protect you from the truth!!”

“You weren’t trying to protect me,” she barked. “You all USED ME for whatever gain Cao Cao were trying to get! All because my brother and his friends were involved in a fake crime! YOU KILLED INNOCENT PEOPLE!!” She screamed before grabbing her head and storming away from the door so she could sit on the bed, tears now streaming down her face.

All the forerunner could do was sigh, placing a hand under his elbow and using the other to rub his face anxiously in frustration. He felt so forlorn; what could he even do? It was so clear he wasn’t going to win this battle that started so suddenly. He could remember like it was yesterday, when he saw how happy she was to be married to him- just as happy as him perhaps. His love for Feng Xiu had grown so much that he couldn’t wait to live out the rest of his days with her. The moment they commemorated their brand new marriage, Yue Jin felt like a new man, a better man, yet burdened by the terrible secret- one he could never speak of it it meant keeping his lovely bride sane, happy, and without a care. In ways, he wished she hadn’t learned it was his lord Cao Cao who commanded the attack on her village; this wouldn’t be happening…

“Yes…we did,” he murmured slowly. “We raided a place filled with people who didn’t deserve to be ravaged like that. There were men, women, and even children…and they were all murdered because of us…but even when the truth has been unraveled, you refuse to leave the army as if you still owe lord Cao Cao your life somehow.” He looked to the window and tried to look in without getting close; he couldn’t move at the moment while coming back to the realization that her family and the people of her home were gone because of their ambitious leader.

“I don’t–” Her breath hitches briefly with a sniffle following, laying down on her bed and curling up with a hand to her head. “I don’t owe him anything,” she told him. “I don’t owe that murderer anything anymore…!”

Of course she would say that now; it use to be her viewing Cao Cao as…a father figure maybe? A strict man who wanted the young teenager at the time to listen to law and understand that things couldn’t be her way, but he seemed to care enough to make sure she didn’t get herself killed. However, that didn’t mean she didn’t get punished… Hell, her behavior towards him caused him to lash her in front of an audience, telling her not to step out of line again. Yue Jin remembered that day when he gave her fifty lashes to her bare back; her cries use to echo constantly in his mind for days. All he could do was be there and give her, in her fragile state, the comfort and care she desperately needed. That was years ago... 

After her fight with Zhao Yun all those months ago, she had suffered some injuries; that was the first time she wouldn’t allow anyone but a medic near her, so she wouldn’t die of infections. If only he had been there to comfort her while healing, to hold her hand and tell her she would be alright, but trying to gain her respect at a time like that was absolutely fruitless.

He sighs and turns to sit on the stone step, resting his back against the door and loosely crossing his arms. “Surely, you couldn’t be blaming every single one of us within his army. Many of us may have knew, but we do get new soldiers every now and then; your secret didn’t spread like wild fire.”

“Grrr…it doesn’t matter! Just the thought that he even has followers after killing innocent people is enough to piss me off even more.” Xiu’s voice was dull yet she still held tense anger in her tone.

“What about the people who were actually involved,” Yue Jin questioned. “the people who were there in your village.”

“Same thing but even worse. Please Yue Jin,” she pleaded lightly. “I don’t want to talk about this… Can’t you just leave already?”

The man sighed softly yet sadly. If only she would open up better to him…  
“I’m sorry, but I cannot leave.” Not his best answer, and Xiu tensed with a deep snarl of frustration while sitting up and beats a fist against the wall, startling her estranged husband as he jumped to the sudden thud.

“I said LEAVE!!!” She suddenly screamed, hitting her fist to each word before striking the wall again, and again, and again- trying to get Yue Jin to take a hint. The forerunner remained silent but she seemed to have forgotten his own frustration. He stood and swung to the window, slamming a hand on the wooden sill.

“You’re my wife!” He exclaimed while the banging from the female warrior continued on. “I understand we are to blame for what happened to your village, but all I want is to talk to you, so I can gain your trust once more! And I know you’re upset but please stop banging; you’re acting like a child!” With that, the curtain suddenly swung open and the banging stopped. Feng Xiu’s eyes were wild with rage, pain, betrayal, heartbreak- you name that negative feeling and it’s what she’s feeling at this moment. Okay, he definitely didn't have the right to call her a child, especially with her current emotions. His frustration was getting to him; he needed to stay calm.

Her eyes were already red and puffy, and Yue Jin, being the tender man he was when it came to his loved ones, felt so ashamed of himself. He did this to her… he came and made her even more upset than she already was. If only he could hold her in his arms and wipe those tears away; how can he reach her like this? The vexation on his own face was fading, and turning melancholy. He glances down at his hands for a moment, taking in a breath then exhaling slowly before gazing back up to her through the window.

“I know you don’t trust me now, and I know you hate me as well, but all I wish is to talk,” he said in a soft-spoken manner, “even if for a moment. I am here as an ally and a friend, not a husband. If you can gift me with your time, it would give me a sense of relief. Afterwards, if do not wish to talk anymore, then I will understand and not approach you like this again.” Not once did his gaze waver; eye contact was important in this situation. His brown hues of his were gleaming with hope and slight desperation. “Please, Feng Xiu…?”

Xiu stared at the man on the outside with intense eyes, for what felt like hours– until she finally shifts and gets off her bed, silently stepping to the doors and taking away the wooden barrier that kept it shut and locked. Yue Jin turns his head to the door, and he felt a sense of accomplishment whilst coming forth to step inside the house.

It was small inside, and not many things at all. There was a stone oven, a small round table and a lone chair, a simple wooden sofa with a red cushion, a wardrobe, some pots with cooking utensils and bagged ingredients hanging neatly near the stove, a small bookshelf, a bedside table with an lit candle and her precious heirloom necklace sitting upon it, a large carpet, and finally, her bed. It was simple and made for her alone; Yue Jin felt a pang in his chest to how lonely she must truly be.

Feng Xiu sat upon the edge of her bed without a word, giving Yue Jin a disgruntled look. Was that a sign for him to stay quiet or for him to speak now?

{'She knows I can’t read minds, right?'}  
Yue Jin, knowing that he couldn’t just invite himself to sit right next to her because of her current state, retrieves the one chair from the table and sets it down in front of her. Once he sits, he began to feel a little awkward and nervous, but he swallows it down, eyes upon her.

“Before you say anything,” he started slowly, “I deeply, truthfully, and utterly regret not telling you the truth beforehand. If you had known sooner, then none of this would have happened.” He paused for a moment to allow the apology to sink in. shifting a little in his seat before continuing.

“For…what it is worth, I was never involved in the killings themselves. I never went with Cao Cao to the location of your village, but I knew what was going on.” As he gazed at her face, it was becoming more clear to see that she was getting more upset after hearing that being confirmed, but thankfully, she was holding her tongue. At least she wasn’t yelling at him at this moment. “I-I just didn’t know there were any survivors the moment you were brought here. I had been informed the next day, and I immediately thought: If she was there then there were most likely more children like her.” He kept his eyes on her, to let her know that he was being as honest as he could be, and very small specks of anger within her hues were disappearing. However, she still didn’t say anything. Yue Jin leans forward, his elbows resting on his knees while clasping his fingers together, hanging his hands down in between his legs.

“Cao Cao told everyone who knew to keep it secret or risk a death sentence. It was like he wished to keep you here; he even started to ask men if he could arrange a marriage with you, so to make sure you were certainly tied… He even asked me…” He whispered. Xiu was taken back, mouth soon gaped open, frozen stiff. Her face was stricken with shock while her gaze was cafard but filling to the brim with more rage.

“…You..y-you..married me…all because of CAO CAO???!!” Her voice was shaky while her brows furrowed, her hands and teeth clenching, snarling in her throat, and her body trembled, infuriated. It didn’t take long for tears to start streaming down her reddening face, and Yue Jin promptly reached for her hands, grabbing both in between his own.

“NO!!! No, no, that’s not why at all,” he immediately exclaimed. “Please, you must let me finish! I’m sorry I mentioned that but I am only telling you the truth and nothing but it!” He proceed to release her hands and was about to use his sleeve to dab near her wet eyes, but he couldn't go overstepping his boundaries like that. He slowly and awkwardly moved his hand down and placed it upon his lap with the other. “I didn’t mean to upset you like that…”

He gained no response from Feng Xiu, who was ever so slowly calming down but the stress of the situation would never subside.

“As I was saying, Lord Cao Cao asked me if I was willing to marry you, and I told him that even though you were of age, I couldn’t possibly do it. He wished to arrange it anyways, but Lady Bianshi had stepped in after hearing the news.” The mention of Bianshi caused Xiu’s rage to drop by a small yet fine amount.

“She may have knew the truth as well, but she disapproved of her lord’s actions just as much as any of us. She invited me for a private lunch with her and discussed to me what she had told our lord prior. Because of all the agony you had suffered, she strictly refused to have you married and wished for no man to court you unless you were ready yourself. You know how much Cao Cao loves and favors her, and he couldn’t say no to her.”

Xiu was still frustrated but she was looking more shocked that Bianshi did such a thing for her. At least she was calming down, even if it was just a smidge. “She really did that..?” Her voice was so hushed, and the look in her eyes were getting soft. “I never..knew that,” she started while slowly glancing down. “She really cared about me…”

Yue Jin gives a mild smile as he soon replies with, “Yes. Lady Bianshi cared for you as if you were really her daughter, stepping in to make sure you weren’t exposed to things like that too soon, even when you were close to the age for marriage.” His smile soon begins to fade, replacing it with genuine solemn. “She still worries about you, just as your friends do…just like I do.” The forerunner scoots the chair forward a little for the sake of wishing to get a little closer since she fortunately didn’t seem so livid now.

“Still,” Xiu started while turning her head away from him. “I can’t forgive anyone like this. Everyone still knew and I can’t believe that you all have betrayed me. I feel so stupid…I don’t even know how to describe it…” Her voice cracked a little- just a little, but it was enough to make Yue Jin’s heart break. Oh, how he hated to see her so miserable.

“You are not stupid,” he told her quietly. “You’re a magnificent, brave young woman who lived and breathed to fight for your fallen loved ones.” When she looked up at Yue Jin, she managed to stare him right in the eyes. What sorrow she held; he could only contemplate of what she was thinking right now.

“Are you sure you weren’t wanting to tie me down? To keep me from leaving?”

Yue Jin’s mini concern was realized, and he frowned. “W-Why would I do something like that? Even if it were true, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t let you go where you want.” But did he want to see her leave? That was the thought to further his pain, but this wasn’t about him. “If you wanted to leave this army, then I wouldn’t stop you…” That left a bad taste in his mouth, in all honesty. How could he even think of being selfish? Again, this wasn’t about him; Feng Xiu was in a bad state.  
Xiu’s face softens, clearly showing that she was feeling a tad relieved by his words. Soon, for a brief moment, it became quiet between them, and it was just the light chirping of cicadas that filled the atomsphere.

“Um..” Xiu started very quietly while changing her position on the bed, pulling one leg in and folding toward her, with her foot underneath her other leg. “D-Do you remember..who was there in my village that day?” She needed- no, had to know.

Yue Jin wasn’t surprised when Feng Xiu asked that, and leans back with his arms crossing momentarily, mentally scratch at his memory. It would take a moment for him remember, but he hoped that he would have all the right names down.

“There was our lord, Master Xiahou Dun, Master Han Hao, Master Wen Ping, Master Yu Jin, and…” Who else was there? He knew there was one more, and she wanted her to know everyone who was there. Unfortunately, he couldn’t find that last name in his mind. “I can’t remember the last person. I’m sorry, Xiu, but I will try to find out tomorrow, I promise.”  
Xiu, surprisingly, took his lack of memory well, and simply nods. “And…you’re sure you weren’t there? You only knew??”

“Yes,” he replied. “I only knew and yet I still regret not saying anything sooner when I should have.” Shame filled his insides, and he closes his eyes briefly before asking, “If you had known sooner, would you want to leave?” Why, oh why did he have to question that? She will surely say yes, there’s no doubt about it…

“I…I-I really don’t know,” she responded timidly. The question threw her off and made her feel unsure. “I was thirteen during the massacre. Where would I go if I found out while I was around that age? I still can’t even tell left from right, so I’d probably get lost and maybe abducted by bandits or something.” Xiu shrugs.  
“I guess if I was smarter and had better experience then, I think I would.”

Yue Jin gazed down forlorn, leaning forward again. {'If you left, then–’} He cut off his thought. He can’t be selfish, even in his own mind! Yes, she wasn’t good with direction, but he knew she would be able to defend herself, especially with the training she had been put through. No bandit would get to her even at a young age; it was depression talking for her.  
He sighs deeply. At least Xiu had managed to drop her heavy guard for him. It meant that so much of that hate was gone, right? Maybe, but maybe not.  
Right now, it was late, and he felt it was closing in on his time to get going. Before he could announce it though, there was one thing that remained unclear to him.

“I know I said I was here as just a friend and not your husband, but there’s something I wish to know.” He made sure he had eye contact with her before continuing. “Do you think our marriage getting in the way of you wanting to leave?” He was calm to question it but it made him feel so bad inside just for thinking it. “I know I said I wouldn’t stop you from leaving, but you must..so badly wish…to go join Liu Bei, so he can give you a better future…” His tone was growing a little tense and when he caught wind of it, he leisurely stood from the chair.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I should not have asked that.” Maybe, it’s time fo–“ As soon as he took a step, before he could finish his sentence, he felt a gentle tug on his sleeve. When he turned his head, he found Feng Xiu’s fingers lightly tangled around the fabric. He could see her eyes a bit clearly now, thanks to the moonlight. Her cyan blue eyes, though melancholy, were just so beautiful, but that beauty was shadowed by depression. At least she didn’t seem angry.

”…Wenqian.“ She breathed. Yue Jin’s heart leaped in surprise; she called him Wenqian! It’s been so long since he last heard it from her, that had had to be shocked. However, he needed to keep his cool. Her hand remained to hold his sleeve until he realized that it was a gesture to sit back down. However, instead of seating himself back in the chair, he slowly lowered onto the bed. He was anticipating what she wanted to say- if she had anything on her mind now.

"I want to leave,” she bluntly told him, while releasing his sleeve and shifting her position so she was facing away from him, legs over the side of her bed. “I should have left months ago, because I can’t ever forgive Cao Cao for what he did, or anyone who knew it for so long.” Her voice hitched just slightly near the end as a small, hot tear rolls down her face. “It means a lot knowing that you weren’t involved in the killings, and neither was a lot of people; they just…knew.” Another tear; Xiu places a hand to her chest.  
“I-I don’t understand why it even had to be me to suffer. One moment, everyone was there, living their normal everyday lives, and the next they were gone.” She was starting to whimper and shed more tears, shaking to the sheer remembrance of that dreadful day. Xiu wipes her eyes with her sleeve and lowers her head more. “I didn’t ask for any of it,” she cried out. “I wanted to be in the army but not then at that time! I wanted my family to be there when I left home to go fulfill my dream, to go earn a name for myself, to become like my father when he was a soldier! But it’s gone..it’s…it’s …iT’S ALL GONE!! EVERYONE’S GONE!!! AND EVERYONE HERE’S BETRAYED ME!!!” Now, the poor young woman’s whimpering quickly turned into loud, profuse sobbing, causing Yue Jin to shed a tear.

He couldn’t begin to think of how he would feel if he had been through what she had, and now, as she was pouring her heart out about the memory, he felt like the most ashamed person in the land, if not the planet. She deserved a better life, a happy life- filled with love from family and friends alike. Her whole life had to be turned all the way upside down, all because of a man who believed these people were evil. That’s it. He can’t watch her cry like this anymore. Yue Jin throws caution to the wind, and scoots in close to take the crying girl into his arms, holding her close to his body. One arm was wrapping around her protectively while the other was raised so his hand could cradle her head. Feng Xiu leaned into the embrace as she continued to weep. Thank the heavens she didn’t push him away…

“I-I’m so terribly sorry…I never wish to see you hurt, or upset, or depressed, but we all did this to you… we are no longer worthy of your trust,” Yue Jin admitted. He began to rock her some, while stroking the back of her soft head. His head turned, directing his face more to her hair, near her ear, so he could begin to speak easy and softly. “We never meant to hurt you; the deed is unfortunately done, but now we didn’t mean to hurt you.” He soon would place his lips near her temple. “You are, by far, the bravest, most courageous person I know. Many people in the same situaton as you would have already given up their own lives if it meant making it better for themselves, even when they would hurt people who cared around them. Your strong will is very inspiring, and it taught me and many soldiers, young and old, to be more confident and strong in the face of a difficult situation, despite its sure fate to crumble.” His hold around her became a little tighter; he will regret saying this, but this is for her.  
“If you wish to leave and join Liu Bei, or anyone else, I will not attempt to stop you. Even if you wish to leave right now, I will prepare a horse for you, and make sure you are sent safely on your way. But…I…” He shuts his eyes and wets his throat with a forced swallow, refusing to let his own tears spill out so easily. “No matter where you go, and no matter who you become in the future, I will never forget you. It’s presumptuous of me to say this, especially since you don’t trust me now, but I can’t keep it in any longer. You will always be my first love, the very voice in my heartbeat- no other woman will strike me in the ways you have. I love you so much, Feng Xiu, that I am willing to let you go without being chained to me… I don’t deserve you…and it’s because I broke your trust by never telling you when you had every right to know what really happened that day…” The dam breaks, and his eyes start to flood with tears. His voice had cracked multiple times during his speech, his heart breaking immensely, but…he didn’t matter. All that mattered was taking care of her, and if leaving was the way to help her, he was going to support her no matter what.

Xiu’s sobbing turned into light crying. She felt so weak in his arms, remaining motionless and semi quiet, aside from a breath hitch here and there.  
For the time being, everything was just plain quiet; even the cicadas had stopped their chirping tune. And yet, despite the quiet, this was the first time in months that it was actually peaceful. Yue Jin, though shaken by his own emotions at the moment, felt like a weight was lifted off him. He’s been holding all of that in for years, and those months without being able to confess anything to Xiu was agonizing.

In the meantime, Xiu was replaying that speech over and over through her head. She never realized that the forerunner thought like that, even in her state. Her current thoughts though, felt like an enigma, and as she starts to move her head away so she could look up to Yue Jin, she timidly raises a hand to touch his face, enabling him to open his wet eyes to her.

“You…are so amazing,” she whispered. “You say…you don’t deserve me, when I don’t even deserve you. I never tried to talk to you or look at you for all these months, but you were so devoted and patient with me, even when it will be hard to trust you again. I don’t know where to begin with how great you are compare to me… You’ll always be my first for everything: my first love, my first kiss, my first husband.” Her other hand rose to cup the other side of his face. “It makes me so happy that you’re willing to do so much for me, and I can’t ask for someone better than you.” For the first time in so long, the forerunner’s wife began to stretch her thin, rosy lips into a faint smile. Yue Jin’s eyes began to shine; his heart lurched for that sweet, little smile, but even with those heartfelt words, he knew it would only be a matter of time until he’ll never see her or hear those words again.

“I want to leave but…I want to stay,” Xiu confessed. “You’re the reason why I didn’t go when I wanted to, and it’s not because you’re holding me back. I want to stay with you because I love you, Wenqian. I know I said all those hateful things and death threats, but to tell you the truth, I don’t think I’ll be able to be truly happy if I don’t have you with me.” Yue Jin was shocked by her confession, and– did she just say she loved him??? Ohh, say it again– is what he could say but he held it in; he couldn’t be that bold. Though relieved to hear he wasn’t keeping her, he was disrupted by concern.  
“But what about you? You can’t possibly want to stay just for me. What about lord Cao Cao? You greatly distrust him because of the truth. How will you be able to serve when you hate him so?”

“I don’t need to trust him at all,” she told him. “I just need to be determined to fight, and if I don’t have determination, then what kind of person would I be if I’m trying to represent my family.” Her smile purposely ceased and turned into a sad frown. “It’s all I can do for them and the people of my village, and for you too. I may never be able to forgive anyone completely, even you, but…” She paused to try and get her words in better place, so it could make sense. “I can’t just leave and start over. This part of the land is all I really know, and I’ve killed so many people under Liu Bei. He might treat me like an outcast, and so would all of his other followers. Plus…the graves of my family would be too far away for me to visit. My village is gone, and so is my family… but you’re family too because you’re my husband. I’ll stay for you and only you if I want to” It gave Yue Jin such bliss to hear those words, even when deep inside, he continued to be concerned about her locked choice. However, if it was her wish, he was going to support, especially since it gives him a chance to rekindle their relationship.

“I do not deserve your complete trust anyways,” he told her. “Even if you never wish to completely forgive, I understand. Trust will come hard as well, but I am still willing to earn your’s, even if it’s just a little.” Xiu’s smile returns, and Yue Jin’s lips form to match her’s as he presses his forehead against her’s. “To hear that I’m family to you gives me joy, and I want to do my best to make you happy and well at home.”

Xiu suddenly couldn’t hold it in anymore. She had to show how much she appreciated him, and with all that pent up feeling she had deep inside her, she removes her hands from his face and moves her head back, where at that very moment, she comes back in to kiss his lips.

“-!!!” Yue Jin was completely stunned, but it didn’t take long to give in and return it with as much devoted feeling. There was no more anger; sadness, yes, but the anger has subsided. It made him so happy to have helped Xiu come out of her vexed shell, and though regaining her trust will be a very long journey, he was willing for her sake, no matter long it will take.

Xiu breaks the kiss and starts to move away from him so she could lay down on her bed but while in the process of moving away, she had grabbed her husband’s hand as a sign that tells him to join her. Yue Jin crawls over to get beside her, but not before he stretched over to blow out the candle on her bedside table. He gets on the right side, the side farthest from the wall, and wraps his arms yet again once she turns towards him. “I love you,” he breathed. “You don’t know how long I have waited to hold you like this again.” He was about to apologize for being brazen with that statement, but why apologize? It was her; she deserved to know.

She couldn’t say the same herself, considered Xiu had been so angry and keeping her distance, but she could never fully stop loving Yue Jin, even when she tried and succeeded in a way. “I love you too, Wenqian.” She could feel her beloved’s chin brushing her forehead, and she lifts her head to meet a pair of lips upon her. Fluttering initiated in her chest and her stomach, her face tinting with blush. The kiss was interrupted by Yue Jin pulling away not long afterwards and releasing a yawn; he made sure to cover his mouth.

“Heheh,” Xiu giggled softly. “Are you tired?”

“Mm…it’s late, and I’ve been busy for the past week, so I’ve been unable to get proper sleep.” He started to close his eyes, but he couldn’t right now, not while he was in Feng Xiu’s company. He wanted to spend lost time with her, even if it means spending the whole night awake and just doing whatever they wished to do.

“I’m sorry you’ve been busy,” she told him. “Were you..ever lonely without me?” She had to ask that. He smiles sweetly and plants a little peck upon her eye lid.

“Of course I was, but you needed to be alone, and I couldn’t bother you.” Or else she would probably kill him, but she wasn’t seething with all that rage, and felt tonight was going to be the first night in forever that he’ll be able to sleep well. “How about you? I’m sure you weren’t at the time, but I’m still kind of wondering.” He was cute- very cute. He had been concerned even when they were apart for so long and that caused Xiu to chuckle while raising a hand to stroke his scarred cheek.

“I didn’t care at first but over time, I really did miss you beside me at night,” she replied. “Look, I love you, and I’m really, really happy that you’re here now, but it will take time for me to ever trust you again.”

Yue Jin’s hand mimicked hers, but caressing the side of her face. “I know, but like I said, I understand. I’m willing to be patient and work for your trust, no matter how long it will take.” His response received yet another kiss, subsiding how tired he was and replacing it with some energy. Once the kiss broke, he nuzzles his forehead against hers, before playfully planting a swift little peck to the red headed girl’s nose. He got a little giggle and a blush out of it, making him smile. “Xiu?”

“Yeah??”  
“Tomorrow, let’s go visit the site of your village.”

Xiu was puzzled by the idea as she raised her brows curiously. “How come? Aren’t you going to be busy tomorrow?”

Yue Jin would brush away some stray strands of his sweetheart’s hair and moves them behind her ear while beginning to answer. “I will take time off for several days,” he said. “If they need anyone for assistance, they can ask for another pair of hands; I could make up for my absence later on. It’s what I wish to do because I wish to pay proper respects and hope they will still approve of me, even after keeping the secret about what happened…” His face was beginning to look a little somber, but Xiu would place a hand to his chest and rubbing gentle fingers against his cheek.

“They’ll approve; I know they will! My mom use to tell me that as long as whomever I with loves me genuinely, then there’ll always be a spot in the family for you. I bet if everyone was still alive, they would absolutely love you.”

Such positive words. It was yet another reason why he admired her so. “That means alot. I always thought they would curse the day I was born, but when you tell me the opposite, it gives me hope that they would like me. I feel the same day about my own family too, and I will take you to meet them one day; it’s not as big as your’s but I feel sure that they will approve of you as well.”  
Feng Xiu smiled quite brightly, enough to make Yue Jin want to melt. “I’d love that, as long as you’re with me.” He beamed in turn to her response.

“I will always be there with you, my beloved wife,” he whispered and with a slow yet passionate kiss, he began to close his eyes and wanted to drift off into sleep, but he opens them halfway after breaking the lip connection. “Let us sleep now. We will prepare ourselves to leave in the morning.”  
Beloved wife. Such a nickname succeeded to make her blush, and that kiss–oh so magnificent. It left Feng Xiu in a daze and she found herself chasing after him upon breaking it, until he mentioned sleep. Agreeing with him, she gets herself comfortable and removes her hands and drapes one arm over his fit body while using the other to reach back to pull at a blanket so to put it over the both of them. “My dear husband,” she murmured. “We’ll sleep better now that we’re together, right?”

Dear husband. Yue Jin was matching her blush now, and feeling a little embarrassed in the best way possible. “Mm, yes,” he replied softly while planting one last kiss to her forehead. “Have sweet dreams and remember I will still be here once you wake.” Xiu tilts her head up and kisses his chin endearingly.

“Thank you. I love you, Wenqian…”  
“I love you too, Xiu…”

The couple soon slip into slumber, bodies pressed comfortably against one another. It was a journey for Yue Jin to help Feng Xiu, offering to make up for her many losses and apologize for keeping it secret. It turned out so much better than he thought. With the web of lies untangling, their heart are properly connected once more, hopefully- no, knowingly, for the rest of their lives and even beyond.


End file.
